don't worry i'm back again. i feel like a shell of a person. i've just been discharged from hospital today - i had pneumonia. i'd been feeling so run down this past month with back to back viruses. then my friend from australia came and visted me and i was so tired the whole time but kept trying to push through. then i got really sick, ended up going to the emergency departmentt in edinburgh and surprisingly was admitted to the ward for two nights.

i'm now on the train back to london. i've honestly felt like crying so many times today. or rather i have nearly cried. i think i'm just exhausted on the other side of this illness, and in retrospect i actually was pretty ill. but i just wish i was back at home. i'm being dramatic right now but i hate this fucking country. i'm over the weather, i'm over how crowded it always is, i'm over how i don't know anyone, i'm tired of pretending to enjoy things, i'm over my job. i'm feeling beaten down for sure but right now i'm just fed up. i want to be at home. i want to be in queensland. i miss the warm weather, blue skies, thunder storms, beach, forest, my family, driving around in my car, my job, my work friends.

anyway the point is that i feel like a head floating on my body. i'm so tired. and right now i'm really tired of being an adult and i wish i could just be taken care of. maybe this post is one for my IRL diary but i can't be fucked to write it down. my head feels super sluggish, i keep getting distracted trying to do my sudoku puzzles. blah.

also at the end of the whole admission my dad sends me a long text about how i should have had a CT scan done and i can't even begin to deal with that right now. but he was the one who said i should go to A&E in the first place which he was 100% right about.

what else? i haven't seen or spoken to my boyfriend in a proper capacity for about 12 days. i went to king's day and it sucked. i'm kind of off my best friend. i feel like i haven't had a proper rest in weeks. i organised this whole trip i recently went on. ironic because now i understand how my boyfriend must feel when he arranges everything for our trip. i hate being a fucking tour guide and i'm not doing it again. my friend took a 5 pound uber to the hospital to bring me my bags - i said i would pay for it and then she actually invoiced it to me? i know that's insane but... there was a bus that goes right from our accommodation for 50 pence.... i'm being insane. i should stop.

also some idiot nurse (sorry this is very mean) asked me if i was feeling anxious because my paced breathing reduced my resting tachycardia (in the context of my untreated pneumonia). i just said no politely but inside i was imagining explaining to her how physiology fucking works. i am tachycardic because i am sick as a dog. not because i am anxious. she clearly had no clue about any parts of my history. it didn't matter and doesn't really matter. she was just a random A&E nurse. but it still makes me angry to think about.

all in all, absolutely fed up, miserable and can't be fucked!! great place to be. here's to 6 more days of antibiotics. cheers.