it's late and i'm stayig up to switch my sleep schedule for night shifts. i've been thinking about my cousin today, because i've had dreams of her the last three nights. they've been vivid dreams because i have been overheating at night, but it's odd that she has been in them because i haven't thought about her death as much recently. in the dreams, i ask her why she did it but i never know why. they are reassuring dreams though, because in the dream i'm surprised and relieved to see her - because i know she is dead, but in the dream it's like it was a huge misunderstanding. it got me thinking about this blog, and maybe this is an exaggeration or something, but i think this was really a large part of my expression of grief. regressing to my adolescent years, where she was such a crucial person for me. she was my best friend then. and i think part of the reason why i don't update this place as much anymore is because for the mmost part, i have moved on from this component of my grief. it still comes up now and then, and i still think of her. but after having these dreams it really made me remember that she did die, she is dead. it made me realise that when i'm not thinking of her, it's really me forgetting that it happened, still thinking that she is out there somewhere. and then i see my aunt and uncle post a fundraiser to facebook, where they are walking in memory of her. and i remember the horror of it all, and i see the smiling photos of her - as i remember her, and i still can't believe that this has all happened. i guess that's what grief is. it comes and it goes, sometimes when you least expect it. for instance, i thought i had cried all my tears, and then on the anniversary of her death this year, i found myself sobbing again. but i'm glad i still have moments like that. i don't want to forget. her death is genuinely tragic, in some ways a horrible mystery that i will never quite understand. i still remember when my dad called me, and my first thought was that she had a major asthma attack - not that it was a suicide. i don't know if i have more to say about it right now, but i think this was important for me to write down. or type down, whatever.